If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
false alarm, still single
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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