I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Less talking, more tequila
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
