you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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