Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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