just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
