apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
