Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
