they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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