we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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