so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
