when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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