I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
