apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
