I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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