i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
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I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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