yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
