Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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