Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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