I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
