Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
