Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
