WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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