I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
