I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so that wasnt chicken after all
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Terrible idea I love it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
