I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
