Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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