yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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