I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
