I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
