Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
