I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
