Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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