Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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