Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
