I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
