The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
