i may or may not be watching the land before time
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
