My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
