I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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