Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
