If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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