we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
