Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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