She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
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Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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