dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
