She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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