She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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