Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
