So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
