just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
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its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
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I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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