you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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