I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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