boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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