Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Randomize
