I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
