The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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