We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
