Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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