weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
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Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize