pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
don't judge my taste in strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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